Happiness, the reason of my misery.....?

What a funny life that I have,
Is just like a circus, where the clowns are everywhere,
Making cracking jokes and stupid nonsense one,
Looks happening but still empty deep inside.

They said "Oh, you shouldn't think of yourself only,"
I said "Yeah right, if I don't, who's gonna think of me?"
But nevertheless I did just that,
And ended up become wounded than ever...

The pain is so unbearable,
Even my heart becomes numb because of that,
Constantly having the same feeling,
But no one really can really understand it.

I thought back to the past time,
And thinking, have I really change a lot?
For better? For worse?
But 1 thing that hasn't change,
Is to lose more friends, and ended up alone.

Sometimes I wish I was being hit by a car,
Help me to lose all that memories,
To begin my new life, if I ever survive with not a single memory
Or if I didn't make it, hopefully to begin new life in Heaven....or suffer in Hell...

I tried to remember,
Is there any moment where I am truly happy?
Oh...there it is..... but I stay still,
'coz the reason of my happiness is indeed,
Is the reason of my misery too.....