last birthday

She came to me one day..... she said she will never bother me again. I asked her why she suddenly said that, but she just shrugged it off and took off.

We were not a close friend, and I always see her sitting alone in the corner of our school. Every lunchtime she spend most of her time lying down under the tree alone. Sometimes I can see her cried, but I never did bother to approach her 'coz what I was thinking at that moment is that she is not related to me so I have no right to interframe her privacy space.

I wish I have gut to do just that.....

Here I am. Standing at her side. She was gone long time ago, about 5 hours. And I was reading her journal of her life. Gotta tell ya, it was full of depression, and every pages I turn, I cried. I can feel her suffering so well, that I want to hug her. I wished over and over again of how I wanted to make her feel better and not letting her take her own life with her depression.

15 June 2004

I began this sorrowful diary becoz I dont have anyone to talk to and listen to me. Today, is just like other days. I sat alone, eat alone, play alone, sing alone, everything is alone to me. I saw some girls joking around and leering at guys and I was jealous becoz I wanted to be one of them. But deep in my heart, it's not gonna happen.

17 June 2004

My mom scolded me. She said some mean word to me. I'll never forget her exact word. "You are the mistake that I ever have, I wish you were never born." That's what she said. Did she really think that to me? IDK....

18 June 2004

I went to my doctor for my appointment. I might be out of my mind lately but I still cannot miss of what the doctors discuss about me.

"Her condition is not improve."

"We need to be there for her. But we can't...."

"Let's just hope that nobody will treat her bad, or worse, being closed to her and leave her."

They gave me some medication, which I always take whenever this illness attacking me. I was diagnosed with depression, and they are the one who asked me to write diary.

19 June 2004

I chatted online, and surprisingly i meet so many new friends, mostly girls 'coz I don't prefer to be friend with guys. They are all so nice to me, and they are willing to help me to get through all of this. This makes me smile, and is thinking that things are not bad sometimes.

5 September 2004

I've been busy with my study lately, so I have no time to write here. You see, I found new group of friends. They took great care of me. I am now one of them, and it makes me happy. They even thinking of celebrating my birthday which is coming soon in a month away. I never had anyone who wants to celebrate my birthday before. I always buy my own gift and wrapped it up and pretend that this gift is from other, and I will buy cake and sing a song for myself. Pathetic huh? but that will gonna change 'coz I now have great friends.

6 september 2004

I stop taking medication long time ago. I never felt this happy like this in all of my 16 years. Even my family couldn't take me down anymore, 'coz I now have strength from my friends. We always hanging out together, study together and even had sleepover several times. We talked about almost everything. But I never told them about me dealing with depression. I couldn't do that, 'coz I don't want them to change their opinion about me.

4 October 2004

It's my birthday's eve..... but, I suddenly feel weird. I feel like I need to do something to make this weird feeling go away. So I went to buy a cake for myself, a gift, a wrapper, and then I go back here n start cleaning my room. I never done this cleaning up before 'coz I feel like I don't really need to do that. I washed all my clothes, even the one that I never wear. It's been a one week holiday at this time and I was at home all days. My friends didn't contact me since the holiday started, and I was getting anxious. I was worried about what if they forget about their plan on celebrating my birthday? But I still keep hoping. I know they will never dump me at my special day.

...... I went to check my FB, and I am surprise, and shock, to see that all my friends are blocking me..... IDK what to do..... i gotta end it here.....

5 October 2004

My birthday..... my so-called birthday. I went to shop, no one wish me happy birthday, and then I saw my friends there in the mall..... they were shopping without me.... at first i thought they want to give me surprise but then, I follow them until they finish with their shopping. when I called them, they just looked at me, the same look I got in my depress day. They ignore me, totally ignore me...... on my birthday, i lost hope, i lost my friend, i lost trust......and slowly, i think i'm gonna lost life..... maybe, just maybe, i was born to be meant to be like this..... this could be my last entry, 'coz I am convince that by tomorrow....i shall not be there anymore...

Maybe.... it's best if i just go.... to somewhere where i will never bother my family and friend anymore.... they will be leave in peace.....without me,their life will be so much better.......

I cried by the end of her last entry. On her birthday, 5 October 2004 at 6pm, I received news from her neighbour that she shot herself after she wrapped gift, singing happy birthday song, and eat the cake. The bullet hit her chest, and lots of blood gushed out from it. Her neighbour immediately called 911. I never knew her that well, but I have a sudden instinct that I should went to see her. When I came into this room in ICU, seeing her in ventilator, I feel like wanna cry, full of regret. If I ever knew what she's been through, I will never let her go. But it's too little too late. She did open her eyes, when she see me, she smile and with slightest bit of her breath, said "thank u......i dunno u, but......this means so.....m..mmm..mucchhh...ttoo....m.mmm.ee.ee.e...."

i whispered "happy birthday" to her, and she smiled, crying. "ttthhee.....b...bbbesssss...ttt.... gift......e......evverrrr....rr...." and she is gone after that......

It is indeed, her last birthday, and hearing her said that my wish is the best gift she ever had, makes me touch. I manage to make her feel special in her last moment. I wish she didn't shot herself, we would become friends then.... but, maybe God wants her to be in the better place. I hope..... she will be happy up there..... i will always remember u.......

the end.